tastykake:

i finished reading the captive prince books last night and here is a brief List of Things:

1) the fact that like every four seconds damen reminds us that he has a Type, and everyone else reminds us that he has a Type, bcs every single person in every single kingdom knows that damen has a Type. WE GET IT. U LIKE BLONDS. mess. (“i have SEEN HIM.”)

2) equally, the fact that every four seconds damen starts daydreaming about What If I Could Court Laurent For Real. my two fave varieties of this are (a) the fact that basically every time he sees anything, up to and including random buildings and like, trees, probably, he’s like IF ONLY I COULD SEE THIS THING WITH LAURENT, BUT PROPERLY, WHILE COURTING, and (b) the time he was all “what if we’d met when we were younger, hmm i’d have been like 19, so laurent would have been… 13? wait, no, that wouldn’t work, how about instead: AU where laurent is 16 when i meet him at 19, so that i could—wait for it—court him! NICE.”

3) basically, all aspects of damen’s Big Dumb Crush. damen: “laurent is kind of hot i guess, too bad he’s an asshole so i definitely don’t care or like him at all or appreciate that everyone is super convinced that we’re fucking.” also damen, a short while later: [literally drops a fucking pitcher and spills wine everywhere bcs he unexpectedly sees laurent’s legs]

4) “the soldiers in kastor’s army are trained in massage?” and then that entire scene; i read this bit as i was walking home from work bcs i’m an idiot who thinks she can read while walking, i almost walked into like three different trees and then when it ended i had to go over to the edge of the sidewalk so that i could stand still and scream quietly into my hands

5) “hello, lover” (this was another point at which i had to put the book down so that i could have both hands free, in order to physically drag them down my face)

6) damen said, “you asked for it, once.” damen said, “wear it for me.” laurent said, “put it on me.” (i said, approximately, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHADhHhdh”)

7) “you’re very…. attractive.”

8) “i’m a little more experienced than that.” “yes, that is immediately apparent.” “is it?”

9) actually every piece of dialogue occurring during or shortly before or after any of the sex scenes honestly, like, sex scenes as character studies, re: which, murder me about it

10) murder me especially about how careful damen is, even before he has any idea, like he doesn’t know what laurent’s deal is, only that he definitely has one, and he’s so so so attentive to that even though he doesn’t get it—and then, when you are done murdering me about that, you should pls murder me at LEAST twice about like………. every single tiny carefully constructed agonizing detail of how laurent functions in intimate situations. god.

11) “it was charming because it was clear that laurent was unsure exactly what to do, yet, typically, had acted to take control of everything” have i mentioned that laurent is my CHILD

12) [scandalized] “that is SPORTS”

13) the time when laurent gets drunk and is more sociable than usual and then the next morning is EXTREMELY CONFUSED by the fact that he appears to have made friends by accident asdkhfgksdjk BLESS. my tiny disaster baby.

14) the fact that nikandros spends basically the entire time he appears in these books being like “look, i get that there’s literally no hope of you not fucking him, bcs: U Have A Type, but also, the thing is, have you considered—” [long-suffering wordless scream into the void]

15) HE IS CHARLS. I AM CHARLS. WE ARE COUSINS, NAMED FOR OUR GRANDFATHER. CHARLS.

16) laurent teaching a little girl a fucking magic trick afsdksadhjfkjkahfkhdgjk bye bye bYE

17) the fact that laurent BLUSHES CONSTANTLY, he spends so much time blushing, it’s incredible. here’s a thing i enjoy thinking about is how fucking delightful damen presumably finds this, and how much fun he prob has making laurent blush at inopportune moments.

18) “he won’t kill you but I WILL”

19) damen at the end like “WELL, this wound isn’t actually LIFE-THREATENING, and now my BOYFRIEND is gonna have to TAKE CARE OF ME ATTENTIVELY while i recover, so 😀 😀 😀 on the whole i am rather pleased with this stabbing!!” DAMEN ARE U LITERALLY EVER OK

20) it 🙂 was 🙂 one 🙂 kingdom 🙂 once :)))))) goodbye

21) that time laurent brought damen an apricot

this has been a non-comprehensive list of Some Things I’ve Been Screaming About, the end